Court Room Humor in Cross Examination--

    The following are from a book entitled Disorder in the Court.  They are actually word-for-word things people said during testimony, taken down by court reporters (who had the torment of maintaining composure while these exchanges were taking place)!

    ATTORNEY:  What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS:    July 18^th.

    ATTORNEY:  What year?

    WITNESS:    Every year.

    ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

    WITNESS:    Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS:     Yes.

    ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS:     I forget.

    ATTORNEY:   You forget?  Can you give us an example of

                          something you forgot?

    ATTORNEY:  How old is your son … the one living with you?

    WITNESS:    Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    ATTORNEY:  How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS:    Forty-five years.

    ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you

                        that morning?

    WITNESS:    He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS:    My name is Susan.

    ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved

                          in Voodoo?

    WITNESS:      We both do.

    ATTORNEY:    Voodoo?

    WITNESS:      We do.

    ATTORNEY:    You do?

    WITNESS:      Yes, Voodoo.

    ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS:     No.  I just lie there.

    ATTORNEY:   Now, Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

                         he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS:     Did you actually pass the Bar Exam?

    ATTORNEY:   The youngest son, the 21 year old, how old is he?

    WITNESS:      Uh….he's 21.

    ATTORNEY:   Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS:     Would you repeat the question?

    ATTORNEY:   So, the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8^th?

    WITNESS:      Yes. 

    ATTORNEY:    And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS:      Uh …..

    ATTORNEY:   She had 3 children, right?

    WITNESS:     Yes.

    ATTORNEY:   How many were boys?

    WITNESS:     None.

    ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?

    ATTORNEY:    How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS:      By death.

    ATTORNEY:    And by whose death was it terminated?

    ATTORNEY:    Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS:      He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY:    Was this a male or a female?

    ATTORNEY:    Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

                          deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS:      No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ATTORNEY:    Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

                          performed on dead people?

    WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school

                         did you go to?

    WTNESS:      Oral.

   ATTORNEY:    Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

   WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

   ATTORNEY:    And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

   WITNESS:      No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing

                         an autopsy on him!

   ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

   WITNESS:     Huh?

   ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

                        a pulse?

   WITNESS:     No.

   ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?

   WITNESS:     No.

   ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?

   WITNESS:     No.

   ATTORNEY:   So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

                         began the autopsy?

   WITNESS:      No.

   ATTORNEY:    How can you be so sure, Doctor?

   WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

   ATTORNEY:    But could the patient have still be alive, nevertheless?

   WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

                         practicing law.                

Remember ... no matter how testy things can get during a law suit ... your well-being is what matters most.  Laughter is GREAT medicine!

ALTHOUGH LAW IS A SERIOUS BUSINESS...

It's helpful to bring in a little levity and not let  legal matters consume our happiness.

Enjoy.   

By the way, just in case you're wondering - neither the questions nor responses shown on this page are recommended by this site.  They are shown for entertainment purposes only.

NOTICE!  Always check with your official legal counsel to verify any advice. This website is designed and intended for general information only.  The information presented at this site should not be construed to be formal legal advice, nor the formation of a lawyer/client relationship.